Living Large

As we prepare to move into a new decade. I found the following comparison between today and ten years ago quite interesting:

• The Dow was 1000 points higher ten years ago.
• There was a 34% decline in home sales last year versus ten years ago.
• There are three times as many people unemployed today versus ten years ago.

Ah, but the consistent lesson of history is that in the end it always gets better for mankind – even though there might be bumps in the road.

Many of my middle-aged friends are unfortunately experiencing the same problems I faced a few years ago before my parents passed away. Their once vibrant folks have reached old age, but still insist on living as if they were 20 or 30 years younger.  If this just meant they wanted to drink, dance and have lots of sex it would not be an issue. But it appears that as you become elderly one of your main desires is to maintain your freedom by doing the things you’ve always done, even if you can’t really do them anymore.  Admirable goals, but impractical for most people, and the attitude can create havoc on the children’s lives.

Case in point….my mother and father continued to drive, legally, until they were almost 90 years old.  Despite the fact that both could barely walk, had trouble turning their heads from side to side, suffered from occasional dementia, and were very hard of hearing, the State of Montana felt it was OK for them to pilot a 4400 lb. car down the road at 70 miles an hour.  Of course this terrified the entire family, and we did everything short of stealing the car to keep them off the road, but they remained adamant about their right to drive.  On many occasions I would explain in horrifying detail the implications if they harmed themselves, or even worse, hurt other people. “Dad, do you really want to go into the twilight of your life knowing you wiped out some wonderful young family just because you insisted you should drive”, I would plead.

“Oh, don’t worry”, he would just reply, “we really only drive back and forth to the grocery store”, as if they couldn’t possibly encounter another car or pedestrian on the say to Safeway.

They also remained steadfast in their desire to live alone, despite the fact that they were past the point of caring for themselves.  They absolutely rejected the idea of going to some kind of assisted living facility.  That seemed a legitimate position, as the idea of leaving your home would frighten anyone.  But they also refused to allow anyone in the house to help them.  I hired cooks, maids, nurses and caretakers – only to have my father fire them all a week or two later.  “We don’t like people in the house”, he would explain. Which was actually code for “we would rather you and your sisters take care of us”.

Don’t misunderstand.  This is not a blog bitch about my parents.  They were terrific and I miss them every day, and most of the elderly I meet share their attitudes.  But it has occurred to me that as you get older you don’t always get smarter.  Sometimes you get stubborn and silly attitudes about life that have a really negative impact on others.  So, I decided to write myself a letter, to be opened if I am lucky enough to make it to age 80 -

Dear Tim -

Wow, you’re still around.  I would have never guessed.  Anyway, a few suggestions.  Get a good ear and nose hair trimmer.  For some reason old men sprout huge growths of hair out of those orifices, and it is really unattractive.  Also, pajamas and your robe are not daytime attire.  Old age is not an excuse to be sloppy.  Get up in the morning, take a shower, and put on clean clothes. You’ll feel better and everyone else will appreciate it.  You used to ask yourself “what would Sean Connery do in this situation”.  Still good advice.

Do they still have cars?  Unless you have gone through some kind of “Six Million Dollar Man” refurbishment you probably shouldn’t be driving one.  If you can’t do ten jumping jacks, see and hear as well as you did 15 years ago, and swivel your head easily each way, you should not be behind the wheel of a car.  Take a cab, or better yet take a walk if you can.  And don’t use the excuse that “I’m different”, or “I will only drive a few blocks”.  Even though you are old it is not your right to endanger other people.

Another point. Just because you are old don”t expect your family to wait on you.  I can guarantee you nobody wants to bathe or clothe your old bones or clean your house.  If you can’t do it yourself, hire someone.  You always liked hiring people anyway.  Don’t be a pain in the ass asserting your independence by taking away someone else’s.

Try to be a wise old sage, not a grumpy old man.  And don’t be cheap.  That rainy day you’ve been saving for?  It’s raining.

Have a drink.  Shaken not stirred.  That’s what Sean would do.

You

Despite the rosy stock market, these are still tense times in the workplace. Unemployment is high, good jobs are hard to come by. So coming from someone who has hired and fired a lot of people, here are a few simple hints to hold onto your job:

1. Do the dirty work. Nobody enjoys taking difficult client calls, collecting money from past due accounts, firing people, and performing the other awful duties that are a day-to-day function of business. But if you are not capable of doing the tough jobs then you might be looking for a job. When I have to perform functions that fall under someone else’s job description it causes me to question that individual’s value to the company. The people that can perform in an organization in tough times as well as good times have the most job security.

2. Hire up. This might seem counterintuitive, but if you are a manager one way to find job security is to hire people smarter than you. Many managers do not do this, preferring to hire much less qualified candidates so they always look good in comparison. But be assured the boss notices when you staff your department with less qualified candidates, And building a great staff below you frees you for a promotion.

3. Adopt the “everything is my job” mantra. If you work for a company your ultimate job is to do everything in your power to make the company successful. The “that’s not my job” attitude isn’t acceptable in this economy. The boss notices people that take initiative to help the company cut costs, raise profits, streamline processes, and generally promote a better work environment.

Shawn Krieger of Toledo, Ohio was arrested for shoving a Salvation Army bell ringer down to the ground, yelling “I can’t stand you and your bell ringing. I hate Christmas.” Krieger then grabbed the Salvation Army pot which contained several hundred dollars, and while the bell ringer gave chase ran to a stolen pickup truck and sped away. Police arrested Krieger the next day, but they have not recovered the money.

Shawn, mellow out! Personally, I hate the guy who dresses like a cowboy and plays air guitar in front of Little Caesar’s Pizza. I really hate it when he waves that big orange foam hand at me when I drive by, trying anything to get me to pull in and buy a $5.00 pizza. But I won’t run him over and steal his air guitar or shove the big foam hand into his mouth. We all need to exercise a little self-control and try to get along. Enjoy the season!

As we head into the big holiday eating season, many of us might be well advised to read Michael Pollan’s terrific book In Defense of Food (also available on Kindle). Pollan makes a strong case to revamp how Americans interact with what they eat, and some of his statistics are particularly alarming. Two thirds of Americans are overweight or obese, and 25% have some kind of metabolic syndrome due to weight. 54 million people have pre-diabetes, and Type 2 diabetes has risen 5% annually since 1990. Americans consume 300 more calories per day than we consumed in 1985. Considering 3000 calories puts about a pound on your waistline, those calories add up quickly. Basically we are eating ourselves to death, and the irony is that we aren’t even really eating food. As Pollan reports, we have turned over food production to mega-corporations that manufacture unhealthy faux food lacking nutrition and filled with empty calories.

Perhaps one way to cure the health care crisis is to educate people on what they should be eating, and revamping our food supply chain so everyone has access to healthy real food. The cost of diet-related healthcare due to our bad eating habits and fake food is estimated at $250 billion a year, and rising. And things are getting worse as obesity becomes an epidemic among children – especially minority children that eat cheap calorie-rich / nutrient-poor fast food. 50% of minority children born after 2000 will suffer diabetes. Someone with diabetes lives on average 13 years less than the norm, and incurs medical costs of $13,000 a year.

Pollan’s simple advice that begins the book – “Eat Food. Not too much. Mostly plants.”

Press coverage of the war, our financial and healthcare crisis, the swine flu, the police massacre in Seattle, our eroding education system, global warming, various slaughters of African women and children, the strange case of the disappearing bee population, Sarah Palin’s book signing schedule, and other really serious stuff was bumped off the front pages of the news today so we could all stay up-to-date on two really important developments –

1. Party crashers at The White House.
2. Tiger Woods’ argument with his wife.

Ah, the continuing decline of public intelligence. It’s as if the America is at the tail end of their own “Flowers For Algernon” adventure, collectively playing the Cliff Robertson role. Our brain power peaked a few years ago, and now for some reason we are degenerating into a deep state of societal mental retardation. Too much mercury in our diets? Fox news? Who knows, but our attention spans are measured in milliseconds, and we have a perverse fascination with tearing down good people, while building up bad.

Case in point… I don’t know Tiger Woods personally, but he seems like a pretty incredible guy. Dedicated, motivated, and he can really hit a golf ball. I don’t really care if he had a fight with his wife. Everyone that is married fights with their spouse at some point.  It’s none of my business. I’ve had fights with my wife, and although she has never come at me with a golf club (luckily my chosen sport is fly fishing, and it’s hard to hurt a guy by hitting him with a fly rod), I am sure some or our arguments would be interesting if for some reason they were covered by the news media. Tiger‘s real problem is that he has always been too good to be true. Too handsome. Too talented. Too buffed. So naturally any chink in his armor should be relentlessly covered by the press so he can be destroyed. This morning I heard one commentator on The Golf Channel (don’t ask why I was watching The Golf Channel) gleefully exclaim “This is going to put our network on the map in the same way the Iran hostage drama put ABC Nightline on the map.”

Really? Domestic trouble with the Woods family is a lot like an international hostage drama that threatened world security and influenced Middle East policy for three decades? The Golf Channel might somehow morph into our most trusted source of news? Well, perhaps.

And at the same time Tiger had to share the spotlight with two new visitors from the planet Bizzaro, Michaele and Tareq Salahi. (Seriously, those are common names on Bizzaro. Like Chen in China.) The Salahi family allegedly appeared at The White House uninvited, which for some reason has become a national scandal that now requires massive investigation.

Matt Lauer was thrilled to have the couple on The Today Show for an exclusive interview this morning. “So, you say you were invited to The White House”, Matt masterfully probed, “but I have to ask, who invited you?’

The Salahi’s looked shocked at the question, as if Matt had asked them to briefly describe nuclear fusion or the mysterious appeal of Paul Blart Mall Cop. They said they could not answer, but “soon the truth would come out”, as if there is some secret “Deep Throat” in the government who will blow the lid on the Obama staffer who is secretly inviting Euro-Trash to The White House.

The truth, according to The New York Times, is that the Salahi’s are actually candidates to be on the reality show “The Real Housewives of DC”. Now that they were the primary guests on The Today Show and featured worldwide on various news outlets I suspect they will move up a few rungs among the contestants.

A few weeks ago another reality show contestant determined to get attention released a balloon into the air and caused massive panic and a huge waste of resources by claiming his young son was inside. Could it be that reality shows are actually evil? Perhaps human beings can’t resist the lure of fame, and will endure any degradation to achieve it while sucking the news media into their trailer trash world of fame. Seems like we should celebrate talented people and let them live their private lives privately, and ignore crazy people that sink to any low for attention.

I just came from lunch with one of my favorite (albeit often charmingly annoying) people, Joe Whitworth.  Joe is a lawyer that abandoned the corporate track and instead has devoted his life to helping solve what he believes is perhaps the most serious problem that the planet faces – our quickly diminishing water supply. Joe runs a wonderful non-profit organization I am proud to support – The Freshwater Trust (www.thefreshwatertrust.org).  The goal of The Freshwater Trust is to save our thirsty planet and dwindling fish populations with conservation, planning, and proper water management.  And the stakes are quite high.  Joe and many other experts agree that if the proper actions are not taken soon we could have water shortages that make problems like the current financial crisis and middle east wars seem tiny in comparison. 

I was particularly suprised to learn how much water it takes to manufacture some of the common things we use and consume.  A few of examples:

• It takes 31 gallons of water to produce 1 glass of wine.
• It takes 36 gallons of water to produce 1 cup of coffee.
• It takes 118 gallons of water to produce 1 lb. of wheat.
• 237 gallons of water to produce 1 lb. of rice.
• 594 gallons of water to produce 1 lb of cheese.
• 1857 gallons of water to produce 1 lb. of beef.
• 1990 gallons of water to produce 1 lb. of leather.
• 2867 gallons of water to produce a pair of blue jeans.

So here’s a simple idea.  Give up buying bottled water, drink from the tap, and donate the few hundred dollars you save a year to The Freshwater Trust.

This week Time Magazine’s cover story is called “What Women Want Now”. They profile both statistical differences and changes in women’s attitudes since they last did a study in the early 1970’s. The statistical changes over the last 30 years are quite interesting:

• In 1972 36.2% of the workforce was comprised of women. Today it is 49.8%
• In 1972 women made 58 cents for every dollar a man made. Today they make 77 cents.
• In 1972 the median age a woman married was 21. Today it is 26.
• In 1972 12% of births were to unmarried mothers. Today it is 39%. (Must have been that Murphy Brown episode!)
• In 1972 43% of college students were women, as opposed to 57% today.
• In 1972 there were 900,000 couples in the US in which the woman was the sole earner. Today there are 3.3 million.
• In 1970 3% of lawyers were women, as compared to 32% today.
• In 1970 8% of doctors were women, as compared to 28% today.
• In 1971 there were no women FBI agents. Today there are 2396.
• There were also no women governors. Today there are 6.
• There were no women cabinet members. Today there are 7.
• A fact that surprised me. Since 1972 the rate of divorce has declined from 4.1 per 1000 population, to 3.5.
• A woman’s average lifespan has increased more than five years in the last 29 years.
• 70% of women say they are less financially dependent on their spouse than their mother was.

I was equally surprised to see how much men and women agree on many major issues. An identical percentage, 66%, describe their marriage as “very happy”, and at the opposite end of the spectrum 1% both describe their marriages as “not happy at all”.

As reported in various news outlets, blogs, and even The Daily Show, freshman Senator Al Franken just had his first big win in the Senate, passing a bill that would punish government contractors  who “restrict their employees from taking workplace sexual assault, battery and discrimination cases to court”. 

Now you might be suprised that such a bill is even necessary.  First of all, what kind of company would stop their employees from taking action if they are sexually assaulted?  Actually, the bill is a result of actions by Halliburton, after they attempted to cover up the abduction, drugging, and gang rape of one of their employees.  Dick Cheney’s old company has some very unusual personel policies! 

Perhaps more importantly, why would any sane Senator vote against a bill that essentially tells companies that if they want to do business with the government they can’t support rape?  Well, there were lots of excuses for that one.  A few felt we were picking on poor old Haliburton, or that we would force people out of arbitration and into the courts (personally I think rapists should have to go to court). But just in case you were wondering how your Senator feels about rape, here is a list of the thirty that voted against the amendment and feel doing business with companies that support rape is OK:

• Alexander (R-TN)
• Barrasso (R-WY)
• Bond (R-MO)
• Brownback (R-KS)
• Bunning (R-KY)
• Burr (R-NC)
• Chambliss (R-GA)
• Coburn (R-OK)
• Cochran (R-MS)
• Corker (R-TN)
• Cornyn (R-TX)
• Crapo (R-ID)
• DeMint (R-SC)
• Ensign (R-NV)
• Enzi (R-WY)
• Graham (R-SC)
• Gregg (R-NH)
• Inhofe (R-OK)
• Isakson (R-GA)
• Johanns (R-NE)
• Kyl (R-AZ)
• McCain (R-AZ)
• McConnell (R-KY)
• Risch (R-ID)
• Roberts (R-KS)
• Sessions (R-AL)
• Shelby (R-AL)
• Thune (R-SD)
• Vitter (R-LA)
• Wicker (R-MS)

Those of you that know my dog Lemon will probably agree that she is not only the world’s most beautiful dog, but also among the smartest. OK, I would admit that most dog owners share a similar perspective towards their own pet, but you might be interested to discover which breeds actually are the smartest. According to Stanley Coren, author of The Intelligence of Dogs, here is a list of the top 10 smartest breeds –

1. Border Collie
2. Poodle
3. German Shepard
4. Golden Retriever
5. Doberman Pinscher
6. Shetland Sheepdog
7. Labrador Retrievor
8. Papillon
9. Rottweiler
10. Australian Cattle Dog