Weasels

Terrorists seek to disrupt through fear. And the more afraid they make us the more apt we are to act emotionally and irrationally because of this fear. Since 9/11 we have acted irrationally when it comes to air travel, and the failed Christmas plot has really driven us into frenzy that is causing us to take ridiculous actions. If next time terrorists threaten a shopping mall, then I assume we would develop irrational fears and actions to protect malls. And soon the terrorists are essentially in control, as fear has driven us to change our lifestyles. There is a big difference between taking reasonable methods to protect our security, and completely altering our lifestyles because of fear.

I would argue that there is a more subtle, but perhaps even more dangerous kind of terrorism going on courtesy of the American media. Unfortunately fear drives viewership, and the media thrives on any story that makes us afraid. Consequently most of our legitimate journalists have been replaced by these new media “terrorists” that seek ratings by filling us with fear, anger, and distrust. They operate from both the left and the right, spewing rumors and innuendo that keep people glued to the screen. When much of the population is convinced that our President is actually a socialist foreign-born Muslim that favors killing off the elderly, people naturally get afraid. It also spreads panic when people are convinced that the world will end in the next few months due to global warming, that Pakistan and North Korea are preparing nuclear strikes, and that the flu vaccine is deadly. Certainly global warming, nuclear weapons, and public health are important issues that need to be discussed, but the terrorists in the media are less interested in public discourse than they are sensationalism.

I think it is quite possible that the ranting and fear mongering that now typifies mass media is having an incredibly negative long-term impact on society. The truth is that for most of the world, this is the best possible time to be alive. While the human race is far from perfect and we face many massive problems, the large majority of mankind lives happier, healthier lives than those that came before us. But that doesn’t make good news. Nor does all the incredible work that is going on around the world that will solve these big problems.

These media terrorists might not blow up airplanes or plant roadside bombs, but I suspect they are even more effective than Arab terrorists at destroying optimism and people’s spirits. Luckily these kinds of terrorists are easier to identify, and easier to eliminate than the ones that live in caves in Pakistan. We need to eliminate them by turning the dial, refusing to buy their ridiculous books, complaining to the companies that support them with advertising, and flatly rejecting their terrorist messages designed to crush our spirits.

In these tough economic times we should all make use of every resource we have available, and accordingly it’s probably a good idea to revisit the idea of closing Guatanamo Bay.  Sure, our little Carribean torture palace has been an insult to the very concept of what it means to be American, an international embarassment,  and an afront to human dignity, but is that any reason to abandon a perfectly good prison!  Perhaps we were just imprisoning and torturing the wrong people.

These economic times have revealed an entirely new kind of Weasel that is probably best sent on an extended tropical vacation.  A few candidates…..

Stewart Parnell, President of The Peanut Corporation of America, ran the filthy food company that is now responsible for nine deaths and over 600 illnesses in one of the largest salmonella outbreaks in history.  In true Weasel form, Parnell and his plant manager Sammy Lightsey pled the fifth, refusing to take responsibility for their incompetent management that continues to threaten our entire food supply.  Since his plants were filled with roaches, rats, and mold, he would probably find Guantanamo downright luxurious by comparison!  Of course sending an executive to Guantanamo might seem extreme, but consider the crime.  If an Arab terrorist had poisoned our food supply, killing and injuring hundreds of people, what would we have done?

And why not make Bernie Madoff his bunk mate?  Hmmm, wonder who would be the wife and who would be the husband?  The 70 year old Madoff will go down in history as the perpetrator of one of the biggest Ponzi schemes in history, robbing hundreds of people of over 50 billion dollar, and further progressing the collapse of our financial market.  If a terrorist had planted a bomb in the NY Stock exchange and cause the market to lose $50 billion dollars, what we we do to that terrorist?

The sad fact is that aside from 9/11, the worst damage that has been inflicted on America came not from terrorists, but from home-grown incompetent, dishonest, greedy Americans that have reeked havok on the country.  Lets send them south!

In Oregon, Paul Fahey, who was convicted of murdering his wife by setting her house on fire four years ago, is suing the county claiming he received inadequate medical care for the injuries he received in the fire he set.

Most likely the state is paying for the attorney to sue the county, with the enormous legal costs of the silly suit being absorbed by the taxpayers.  Perhaps Paul should have been shipped off to a prison much further away than Oregon where he could have recuperated better from his unfortunate injuries.  Maybe somewhere more tropical….. hmmmmm, maybe Cuba?

In a sign that karma does exist, a major business Weasel was sent to prison this week.  Steve Warshak, founder of Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals (better known as Enzyte – the so-called hard penis people) was sentenced to 25 years in prison.  Warshak, his mother, and several others were accused of bilking customers out of millions of dollars via false advertising and bogus credit card transactions. In fact, they took so much money that they were also fined $500 million dollars in addition to the jail time! 

Viewers may remember the “Smilin Bob” Enzyte commercials that promised to turn every average Joe or Bob into a sexual powerhouse.  Warshak was indescriminate in his dishonesty.  In addition to stealing from customers, he would also refuse to pay his advertising agencies, claiming he was going bankrupt and tying them up for months in court in an attempt to delay and ultimately reduce payment.

It’s always good for the advertising business and consumers when these kind of scam artists get sent away, but although Warshak deserves it I was still a bit suprised at the severity of the sentence.  25 years!  He apparently underestimated how serious men are when it comes to their erections. ”Steve Warshak preyed on perceived sexual inadequacies of customers”, said the Judge when he handed down the sentence. 

One must wonder if there are any disgruntled customers where Steve is going. Perhaps the fact that Enzyte doesn’t work will make prison a less painful experience.   

Ah Comcast….  For many years I and many others thought you deserved the Yugo award for worst customer service.  Your technicians were late or didn’t show up at all.  Work was sloppy.  You acted like you just didn’t care.  Then a couple years ago things seemed to get better.  You operators were friendly and your installers were on time.  Your guys wore spiffy uniforms. You began advertising how much good you do for the local community. Your digital cable is just, well, COMCASTIC, and your broadband service is really fast!  We all had high hopes.

But somehow, someway, you have slipped again.  Perhaps into a much more evil place than just rude or incompetent.   Recently you came under fire for blocking your subscribers’ access to certain web sites, and then not telling them you were doing so.  In fact…. is it possible you are now being run by the Chinese government?  [click to continue...]

I begin this entry with a broad apology to my numerous “very moral” lawyer friends, and the many lawyers I must unfortunately pay to protect me and my company from those that would use the law to keep from paying their bills, avoid their contractual obligations, and perform other immoral actions.

OK – that might have a “holier than thou” sound to it. Certainly any of us might get into legitimate disputes with no clear winner or one side that has the lower moral ground, and it is wonderful that we have the law and lawyers to arbitrate such disputes. I also believe that left unchecked, the system always has the potential to overrun the less fortunate and those that can’t afford proper legal firepower. We are lucky that we have bright very moral lawyers willing to step forward and protect them, the basic tenants of the legal system, the environment, and certain aspects of our society and political system that might otherwise be endangered. So the title of this entry is certainly not aimed at everyone that passed the bar.

However, as one that has been involved in many legal disputes over the years, I am constantly struck by how smart lawyers can manipulate the law to help their clients do some very immoral things. It seems there is a fine line between providing “the best possible legal defense”, and assisting a client with some pretty nefarious and scummy actions. [click to continue...]

I was watching the news last night when they showed a clip from a John McCain speech, and it suddenly occured to me “is this guy dead?”. Not dead as in “wow, Obama is going to cream this guy in November”, but rather, “literally dead”. Not breathing. The eternal snooze.

A caveat here. I like John McCain. He’s a war hero, occasional straight-talker, and a fine example of an American. I don’t like him enough to vote for him unless Obama resigns from the race and is replaced by David Hasselhoff, but overall I think he’s fine. And I certainly hope he is among the living.

But I think we would all agree that his campaign has not been going well. He seems very low on energy, mumbles and stumbles, seems disoriented a lot, and it suddenly dawned on me that the Republican party might be pulling a “Weekend At Bernie’s” trick on the American public.

Imagine this. McCain passes away a couple months ago. The Republican party realizes that no decent candidate will ever jump in at this point. Following Bush and opposing Obama is really political suicide. So they decide to stick with the dead guy. They surround him with people to keep him propped up and mouth a few unintelligible words now and then. And if by some miracle McCain wins, Rove can prop him in a chair in the Oval Office and it will be business as usual.

Could happen! Don’t say I didn’t warn you! The big potential question, if it does come down to a “Dead McCain” versus “The Hoff” race, who should I vote for?

Today as we gather with friends and family to drink prodigious amounts of beer, eat genetically-created tube steaks, and drunkenly fire dangerous and illegal rockets into the air to celebrate Independence Day, we are confronted with the loss of an American icon, former Senator Jesse Alexander Helms Jr. Helms, 86, passed away peacefully in Raleigh, North Carolina.

Born in Monroe, North Carolina, Jesse was the son of Sheriff “Big Jesse” Helms and mother Dot. He attended Wingate Junior College for a few months before dropping out, but did receive honorary degrees from the prestigious Bob Jones University (not to be confused with The Bob Jones Golf Camp – though Jesse might have also gone there), and Grove City College (where I believe he was awarded an honorary Phd in air conditioning repair). Helms’ alma mater Wingate would also honor him years later, opening the Jesse Helms Center, primarily with funding from the tobacco lobby (who Jesse whole-heartedly supported while Chairman of the Senate Agriculture Commitee in the 1980’s). In 2005, Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University (one of the nation’s leading think-tanks of anti-thinking) opened the Jesse Helms School of Government. [click to continue...]

Most of our domestic airlines continue their rapid downward spiral. Planes have been grounded, flights cancelled, maintenance schedules disregarded, and most disturbingly, incompetent airline management has enacted a “bait and switch” approach towards their consumers that will exacerbate an already bad relationship.

Flyers are now being quoted what appears to be a low price when they book their flight, only to be assaulted with all kinds of fees when they get to the airport. And the impact of these fees extends past financial implications. Charging consumers to check their bags impacts a consumer’s pocketbook, but the even bigger problem is that it will cause more consumers to carry luggage on the plane. This means longer security lines (and most likely shifts a financial burden to the TSAs as they will need more agents to check these bags), and potentially horrendous delays loading passengers. Think about how slowly a plane loads now as people try to stuff huge bags into tiny overheads, and then double the problem! This means more flights will be late, and longer queues on the tarmac. That also means more flights burning fuel on the ground as they wait to take off (wasn’t the high cost of fuel one of the problems?). [click to continue...]

I was a little shocked to see the massive headline that adorned my hometown paper – The Oregonian – yesterday: STATE REP DRESSED AS WOMAN ENGAGED IN SEX ACT IN ADULT BOOKSTORE.

Of course my first reaction was, “oh boy, they caught another closeted horny gay Republican. And although that was true, it really isn’t the real story here.

Despite the fact that this was probably the largest headline I had ever seen in the Oregonian (the last time they used a typeset this large the Japanese had just surrendered) – it was really just a non-story with a particularly salacious subject. A male state representative from Eastern Washington with a penchant for dressing up like Cher and spending time with buffed male porno actors had gotten into a little hot water. And even though the event occurred hundreds of miles from The Oregonian’s home base – in a different state – and had little or no effect to Oregonian readers, it was just too nasty a story for the paper to ignore. So, in a day when American soldiers were dying in the Middle-East, children were being slaughtered in Darfur, billions were still missing from Iraq, and the world was being dried up by global warming, The Oregonian decided instead to report on cross-dressing, and along the way destroy the life of some poor guy from a little town in Washington.

Of course, this is wrong on so many levels. The fact that the Pulitzer-prize winning Oregonian degraded itself in such a manner is a shame and an insult to its readers, but also another indication that journalism in America is all but breathing its last breath.

Of course, we are all fascinated with the sexual exploits of our politicians, and I am sure it sells a lot of papers and magazines. But the truth is – unless a politician’s actions somehow negatively impact their ability to do their job, or break the law, it is really none of our business how they spend their off hours. I would much rather have a President who blows off steam late at night by dressing up like a pony while the First Lady rides him around the Oval Office, than a President who illegally conspires to take away our civil liberties.

Sure, sexual activities are newsworthy when they are clear indicators on the Weasel meter. I want to know when my elected official is a blatant liar, or uses their position to attack others while secretly enjoying the activities they condemn. But right now we desperately need talented people to enter public service, and conducting public witch hunts to sell papers potentially scares off those that could help us the most.