Whiners

I was hiking in the Washington forest last weekend with my good friend Jeff Merrick, whining about lawyers. I told a few of my favorite lawyer jokes, complained about how expensive and incompetent many of them are, and even pontificated a bit on how lawyers might ultimately be responsible for spreading rampant immorality in society (I will save the details of that one for a later blog entry.) I should point out that Jeff is a lawyer, so his patience with my ranting is indicative of his generally low-key and likable demeanor. (Qualities unfortunately not normally found in the legal profession.)

Like most business people, I have a love/hate relationship with lawyers. The good ones have been a tremendous help to me over the years. The bad ones (both those that have worked for me, and those that oppose me) have made my life miserable. And while lawyers are certainly necessary, it seems that society has somehow created a legal maze of bureaucracy with lawyers directing the traffic. And unfortunately, we have incentivized the lawyers to create traffic jams!

In any case, I will whine about the legal profession in detail at a later date. I do acknowledge that it is easy to complain from the outside, and since I am not an attorney I really can’t understand the pressures and situations they face. Accordingly, I asked Jeff to pass along some advice from a lawyer about how to control lawyers, and his guest blog follows. Here is his sage advice: [click to continue...]

I bet you you are saying, "of course I am not a whiner". Truth be told, whining can be a bit insidious. It has a tendency to creep up on you, because we all have to do it occasionally. A bit of occasional whining can be therapeutic to the soul. It’s healthy to occasionally air your complaints and rid yourself of a little anger. But left unchecked or overly encouraged, whining can quickly grow into an energy-draining “attitude cancer” that will hamper your career, drive away or lose friends and loved ones, and relegate you to a constant state of depression. It alters perception: white becomes black, good becomes bad, and the enjoyment is sapped from life. A Whiner’s cup always tastes bitter and is at least half empty.

There are a myriad of problems associated with whining, aside from the obvious downside to Whiners and those around them that results from a life spent complaining. Whiners are often constantly depressed because they have no sense of empowerment. A few days ago my wife pulled me aside to announce that I had been a real Whiner the last few weeks, and it was making her life—and mine— particularly unpleasant. Of course, this is not news anyone likes to hear, but as I gave it some thought I realized she was right. And in analyzing the problem, I determined that several current factors were making me feel particularly out of control. We were in the midst of building a new house that had spiraled a little out of control, a real estate project I had in development was well past deadline and exceeding budget, deadlines for this book were looming, and I generally felt that I was not on top of my game. Accordingly, I had become a whiny pain-in-the-ass and was making my employees and family miserable! People are at their best and most confident when they feel in control of their destiny, and controlling your destiny is certainly one of the mantras of this book.

During my life in and outside of the office, I have come in contact with a personality variation I like to call the Silent Whiner. This type can be a bit more deceptive. Silent Whiners often appear to be silently strong, not really complaining, but simply enduring the somewhat hazy problems and disadvantages that life seems to have dealt them. But they are simply internalizing their lack of control and their belief that life continues to deal them a bad hand that they cannot escape.

They spend a lot of time whining in private, to themselves and their closest friends and family members. Their life is frequently a litany of excuses for why they are not where they want to be, and they seem to take some perverse pleasure in being the stoic victim. Instead of being known for their accomplishments and talents, they prefer to be admired for having a strong face during adversity. And because this is their trademark, they actually seek out adversity so they can play the victims. This might be admirable if they were really dealing with uncontrollable situations, but most typically, they are just seeking excuses for their inability to muster the fortitude to move forward in their lives and master their destiny.

Silent Whiners need to take a different approach from traditional whiners. In fact, they need to come public with their complaints, cleanse their souls of the real or perceived problems or injustices that they feel have hampered their lives, and then move on to bigger and better things and a happier life. Once exorcised from the problems and excuses, they are forced to deal with reality and confront their problems. If you don’t speak up, you can’t effect change. But the key is to first make sure the problems you perceive are real and valid, and then address them in the proper manner.

Once they have aired and abandoned their excuses, Silent Whiners need to take the same path that all Whiners should take to elevate themselves from their unhappy existences. They need to regard life with optimism—and the attitude that they are in complete control of their destiny.

I am concerned about the “cult of irresponsibility” that has been sweeping this nation for the last couple of decades, making it acceptable for people to disguise their own inadequacies, weaknesses, laziness, and blatant social and criminal mistakes under the guise of the “victim’s mentality.” And although it is human nature to often lose track of how wonderful we have it as we concentrate on those who have it even better, it seems absurd in this wonderful day and age that we can’t all at least pause in amazement at the incredible progress mankind has made, and how Americans have especially benefited from this advancement.

As I write this, the United States is at the tail end of the greatest increase in wealth in the history of the world. Although we are most likely entering a period of financial adjustment and equalization that will seem a bit painful in contrast to the easy money times most people experienced during the last decade, there is certainly little reason for most people to whine. We’ve come so far and can afford to give a little back.

The American middle- and upper-middle class now lives with luxuries that just a few years ago would have left the world’s most elite aristocracy wide-eyed in amazement. Here’s a short list of how American society has changed—for the worse, in many respects:

● Millionaires are now a dime a dozen, and the billionaire now occupies the financial status seat.

● After a hard day at the air-conditioned glass palace they call the office, most Americans pop the remote control that allows them electronic access into the leather-trimmed control center of their $35,000 SUV.

● They sip $5 designer coffees as they listen to their five-thousand watt ten-CD electronic sound system, while cruising at high speeds down immaculately manicured roadways, totally unconcerned about the elements, because their all-wheel drive vehicles have been designed to tackle any road condition.

● They chat with friends on tiny cell phones, pausing to enter lunch and concert dates into handheld computers that help organize their complicated lives.

● They talk about their 401k programs, last night’s episode of Desperate Housewives, and the newest $700 titanium-enhanced super golf club they are going to buy next week.

Long gone are the days when conversations would be laced with stories of relatives who died from common diseases or in a war. Although medical science can certainly always keep advancing, today’s twenty-year olds can be relatively statistically confident of living to ninety years of age or more, most likely with medicine and genetic therapy that will keep them looking and feeling good, and even sexually active, at ages well past their grandparents’ average life span.

And the truth is, I couldn’t be happier about all of this. Why not? We deserve it. Although I am not entirely convinced that many so-called advances in society will ultimately prove superior to the ways we did it in the old days, I much prefer a vanilla latte to the caustic Folgers’ java I used to buy at the gas station, I really like the way my Range Rover handles, and I look forward to making love to my wife for seven or eight hours on my ninety-fifth birthday. Many talented Warriors and Workers put a lot of effort into innovating and creating this bold new world, and we should enjoy it.

Whining is an admission of a lack of control. Whiners complain they can’t advance in their job because “the man” won’t let them. Whiners never actually admit their advancement is primarily dependent on their own performance. A Whiner complains about government—but in the same breath admits that he or she don’t vote because “it doesn’t make a difference,” and, of course, they never get personally involved to improve the situation. Whining says to the world that you do not have the talent, power, and/or will to make your life the best it can be. It is the easy way out. Instead of taking the self-responsibility to improve their lot in life and solve the problems and issues that hold them back, Whiners shift the responsibility to everyone else. Whining is a proclamation that you have been beaten by your life and the system. Your job, family, friends, and almost everyone and everything else you come into contact with have the power to control you. You are simply a slave to all that surrounds you, and the only power you possess is the power to complain. And to compound the situation is the depression that accompanies it. Whiners often have a limited social life, which can become very lonely. Certainly, nobody enjoys being around Whiners, because they tend to be so focused on their own situation that a conversation with them is completely one-sided (“so enough about me, now let’s talk about what is really bothering me and why I’m not happy”).

Most Whiners have gone through a progression of complaining throughout their lives that ultimately brought them to their Whiner status. Their friends either tend to be from the “old days,” before they became so insufferable, or other Whiners who can’t find any other decent companionship. Whiners are under the mistaken belief that their complaints will bring them positive pity and attention from others. In reality, it just serves to isolate them, and at some point, the pity from others transforms to disgust when they realize the Whiner suffers from constant self-pity as opposed to some real malady or unfortunate situation. Whining has the “crying wolf” effect. Those around a Whiner become immune to his or her complaints, so if the Whiner truly is encountering a bad situation, his or her friends and coworkers tend to minimize the situation. Whiners tap out the normally available emotional support systems that surround them, so they aren’t available when they really need them. And if they aren’t talking about themselves, Whiners tend to be complaining about other people’s successes, focusing on how unfair it is that they don’t enjoy the same satisfactions in life. Typically, Whiners focus on an excuse: the “I-coulda’-been-a-contender” syndrome. They will explain ad nauseam about how they are qualified for something, but they just “didn’t get the breaks like a lot of other people,” so they are relegated to doing something they don’t like. Just being around a Whiner is depressing and draining.

If you learn only one lesson from this book, perhaps this should be the one. The major attribute that Whiners and Weasels share is unhappiness. Unfortunately, it is also a condition that affects a fair percentage of Warriors and Workers and all of those in between. And perhaps most sadly, millions of people are unhappy not because of any real condition in their lives that warrants their sadness, but just because they can’t allow themselves to enjoy the ride. Their minds won’t allow them to enjoy the obvious fruits of their labors that surround them. Instead, they feel needless tension and angst. They might not necessarily be whining about their situation, but they still live their lives lacking the enjoyment they could be experiencing.

I battle this condition myself all the time. Sometimes, I have to mentally slap myself when I realize I’m unduly depressed over inconsequential business problems, a stain on my tie, bad service at a store, or a new door ding on my car. I have to remind myself that I’m healthy and successful, with a beautiful wife and family and every possible option in front of me. It is easy to get overrun with the complications and distractions of life, to the point that you don’t realize how wonderful things really are. Many Whiners could find happiness just by realigning their attitude. “Don’t pay the toll twice” is also a good lesson in life. Certainly, it is important to seriously confront life’s problems and challenges, but once they are properly addressed, there is no reason to let these issues control one’s life.

Live for Today. It’s an extremely common human condition to “miss the moment.” How many of us have looked back fondly at younger days, perhaps childhood, high school, or college, when things seemed so much simpler and life so much more enjoyable? But in truth, if memory serves me correctly, during those halcyon periods, I—like most people—was looking forward to the future, without full appreciation of what was going on at that moment. I dreamt of the freedom of a job and the ability to travel, meet new people, and tackle fresh challenges. And I am sure that I have simply forgotten the problems and hassles of those earlier times. I think we all have to consider the possibility that right now we are living in “the good old days” of the future, and the key is to enjoy them.

And although I am a big proponent of proper planning and control of one’s life, rewarding yourself (by maintaining your guidepost and reward tools) makes life worth living. Taking constant inventory of all the good in your life keeps things in perspective, and with an optimistic and realistic viewpoint of your life, you probably won’t feel the need to whine.

Many people fall into the trap of analysis paralysis, over-thinking situations instead of taking action. Analysis paralysis leads to excuses for not completing a task, which ultimately becomes a form of whining. Although it is important to make decisions based on sound forethought and research and with a complete understanding of all the factors involved, it is essential to, at some point, finally make a decision and stick to it for a reasonable amount of time. Take the jump, or don’t complain about the fact that you never reached the heights you desired. I find this an incredibly common problem among individuals, and even businesses. Lack of movement often becomes synonymous with failure.

Analysis Paralysis Is Learned Behavior. It usually starts early in life. We probably all had friends in college who changed majors five or six times in an effort to “find themselves.” Usually, this translated into an extra two or three expensive years spent in college, with no perceivable benefit (unless one considers mastering slacking and various drinking games a benefit). This fear of making a decision often continues into adulthood, resulting in either constant delays in life or continual changes that hamper progress. Some people are so afraid of making the wrong decision that they make no decision, or they make decisions too quickly because they overanalyze a situation.

Obsessing about others won’t get you where you want to go. Certainly, it is valuable to occasionally analyze others’ success and failures to give you guidance on how to avoid mistakes, and how you might move forward more effectively. But many people get so immersed in how everyone else did it that they forget to move forward with their own talents and ideas. There is a big difference between learning from others’ successes and obsessing over them. Obsessing about how others did it—and especially whether or not they deserved their success—is an easy road to becoming a Whiner. “Weasel obsession” or living your life limited by fear is another potential pitfall to avoid. Face the fact that you will encounter many Weasels over your lifetime. They will lie, steal, and take advantage of you in every way possible. Weasels will always be there, lurking in the shadows like the human parasites they are. It is your obligation to minimize their impact. If you live your life in fear or waste time taking extraordinary measures to protect yourself, you will let that distract you from your true goals. Think of a Weasel as you would a cold or the flu. You have had them before, and you will have them again, and it is certainly not worth worrying about the fact that sometime in the future, you will be sick for a day or two. Stay as healthy as possible, practice good hygiene, and don’t worry about it.

Accept the fact you are not going to win the lottery, or hit a slot machine for a million dollars. Chances are that George Lucas is not going to run into you in a Starbucks and suddenly cast you as the new Hans Solo in his latest film. You are better advised to forget about the “lottery lifestyle”and instead concentrate on how to personally control your destiny. Your dreams of the perfect life, with all the toys and the wonderful relationships and family, will only become a reality if you make it so. Any random good luck that befalls you will just be a welcome and unexpected icing on the cake. And the good news about understanding this is that it places all that you desire within your reach, instead of betting your future with astronomical odds against you. Complaining about your job to your family or coworkers won’t change it. Jumping around from school to school—or job to job—won’t solve your problems. Decide what you want, and work toward achieving it. Complete a task before jumping to the next one, even if you have lost your interest. Even if completing it does not at first blush seem important to your ultimate goal, it is best to finish it with pride. You don’t want to build a history comprised of “giving up,” but rather a catalog of achievements that may be helpful to you in the future. I often turn to lessons I learned earlier in my career that were discovered doing things that have absolutely nothing to do with my current profession. Life and professional skills bridge many professions.

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In a perfect world, we would all have had supportive and loving parents, family members, friends, and coworkers. But right now, although things are the best they have ever been, they aren’t perfect. Realizing this is the first step to escape the Whiner’s crutch. If you are one of the many who are single-handedly fighting your way out of poverty and/or a disadvantaged background, success will be all the sweeter. Hopefully, you were fortunate to encounter at least a few people and programs that were helpful, but the truth is that you ultimately control your destiny. People find success and happiness from every background and walk of life. Although many individuals have enjoyed the benefits of a great upbringing and education, unfortunately, nobody is automatically entitled to it in today’s society. And showing resentment and anger against all of society for the injustices you suffered (or perceived you suffered) will do nothing to make you happy and achieve your goals. Making yourself or others miserable won’t solve the problem. Instead, develop a strategy and plan that will ultimately make you content.

Buy Warriors, Workers, Whiners, and Weasels at Amazon.